Sometimes the wolf is REAL!

Another consideration for the wolf you feed saga (see previous newsletter).

Damn. I woke this morning in tears from a dream in which I was in a kind of weird conversation while doing dishes with some women I didn’t know and was explaining to them the trauma that I’d apparently written a book about and they were reading a draft of it and asking questions. Well of course I can see where the book draft part came in, but the weird rest was complete fiction…except my descriptions of the trauma that had me in tears in the dream and that woke me up.

I was describing to those ladies (one of whom was pretty obnoxious - an irrelevant side note) a wolf I knew well who was a real life wolf and a very real threat 20 years ago.

I’m genuinely ok now and have not been thinking about that damn wolf lately. I don’t know why I had that dream last night and honestly I don’t care. I am daily grateful that time is in the past, and the dream and the overwhelming sadness it dragged up are wolves I refuse to feed!

I have power and choice here and now, and I will intentionally spoil my good wolf pack today. I will tell my strength and pride and safety and joy and gratitude wolves that they’re my favorites…the best wolves in the world and worthy of all the pets and treats. And the reliving the hurtful past dire-wolf can go back to a barren wasteland where I am not required to attend to it at all.

Yay me! I can choose to feed good wolves today!

But, often the choice is not yours. Some things are not in your control at all.

This is not to say that the insidious messages inside your head and in the world around us aren’t real, but sometimes the wolf is a factual, manifest, tangible thing.
And its strength and ability to harm you have nothing to do with you – or anyone else- feeding it.

Some things are not in your control at all. You can’t starve them or build a big enough wall to prevent them from harming you or people you love.

For you that corporeal wolf could be a specific person. Or it could be an illness or disease. Or it could be poverty or racism or political-societal threats to your job or your safety or your life.

“Sometimes,
all you can do
is lie in bed,
and hope
to fall asleep
before
you fall apart.”

(William C. Hannan)

The hard, hard things in life aren’t all in your head. You don’t have the option to feed or starve some of the fiercest wolves you’ll face.

The platitudes and clichés may have some measure of truth, but they really don’t help when you’re in the middle of the dumpster fire!

“This too shall pass.” Well…give me the fast-forward button so I can get to the other side.

“God won’t give you more than you can bear.” Well, my strength has been grossly over-estimated and I don’t WANT to bear this!

(Note, you can always subscribe to receive the newsletter each Monday for free. The “pledge” button is Substack’s auto-selection because I don’t have a payment option set up. I can’t change the button(at least I haven’t figured out how), but, there’s a “no pledge” option you can select that will allow you to just enter your email to subscribe for free. You can cancel the subscription at any time. I will never share my email lists.)

Encouragement

Accept

It’s not nearly enough, but that’s part of the encouragement – the acceptance that it’s not your “fault.” Give yourself a break and stop making the pain of uncontrollable real-world monsters even more powerful by feeding them your guilt or recrimination for not tackling your negative thought wolves. For not looking on the bright side or counting your blessings.

There are truths that all of us must face. Life is often hard. None of us can escape from harm. It can just plain suck! It’s not you or your emotional coping patterns. It’s not something you can change or control with willpower or positive thinking. It’s life – in all its complex joy and pain.

Hang on

Another encouragement is the realization that you have coped with tragedy in the past and you are are capable of coping now, too. You have overcome overwhelmingly cruel real-wolves. You might right now – today – be battling merciless life-trials. You will – with certainty – face formidable threats in the future.

So, as you’ve done before, just hang on!

Sometimes, if there is a way out, the only way out is through. And the only way through is by digging in to unearth every pebble of strength and hope and acceptance you have.

And sometimes you can just keep swimming. That’s the mantra that got me through. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Credit: Pixar, Finding Dory (on Sunil Sud’s Medium post.)

Just keep breathing. Take it one day, one hour, one moment, one breathe at a time.

Feed your good-wolves

Keep feeding the helpful wolves that are still in your pack – even when you don’t care about them or believe they can make any difference. Find hope and encouragement in knowing that you do still have some control and choice about which wolves you feed while you’re battling the dire monster that you can’t avoid. You can feed your resilience and hope and acceptance and strength and joy. You can look for every weak little runt of cheer and love and peace and pour every available resource into them again and again and again and again until they’re fat and happy – or at least a bit more able to hold their own in the battle that still must be fought with your internal dire-wolves, which are often drawing strength from the real-life wolves you’re facing.

Find and lean into community.

This can feel so impossible when you’re in the middle of life’s hardest challenges. When you’re hurting or terrified or devastated. But, ask for help. The crises are made harder by all of the other demands of life – which somehow we still must manage even when our world is falling apart. The problems, themselves, may simply be unsolvable – but, that doesn’t mean you must bear them AND all of the other loads of life on your own.

Education

Two quick psychology resources to draw on.

Toxic positivity vs. tragic optimism

Toxic positivity ignores, suppresses, and/or judges negative emotions and experiences. “It’s fine. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Every cloud has a silver lining. The sun will come out tomorrow! I’m just glad it’s not worse.” Unfortunately, denial doesn’t starve the internal dire-wolves. They’re there. And, likely getting stronger, feeding on the fear or sadness or pain that are still multiplying inside you, even if you refuse to see them.

Tragic optimism does not deny very real pain, suffering, and tragedy. You acknowledge what you’re dealing with. “This sucks! There is nothing good about this.” But, it accepts, too, that your good-wolves are still with you. You can feel moments of joy, love, hope, self-pride, strength, and peace. And, not only are there internal wells of positive emotions, there is still good in the world and in your life. Tragic optimism actively looks for those glimmers of delight and meaningfulness and understands that those are true and real, too. It sees the real-life and internal dire-wolves and understands the strength of those enemies, but it actively feeds the good wolves at the same time.

Radical acceptance

Dialectic behavior therapy (DBT) is a clinical psychology approach developed to guide and support people who are facing intensely stressful situations and mental illnesses. Though some illnesses and situations can’t be changed, we can learn to manage overwhelming emotions and reduce additional harms. Making connections to our wolf-feeding practices and applying very simplistic terms to capture a complex therapeutic approach, we can develop skills in feeding our good wolves and defanging our dire-wolves, the internal emotional coping patterns that make dealing with our real-life challenges even more difficult.

Radical acceptance (of feelings and the realities of your situation), along with self-care and mindfulness practices, and work to recognize emotions and tolerate distress, are strategies used in DBT.

Empowerment

Again, just a couple of quick notes here, because I promised myself (and some of you!) that I wouldn’t make each newsletter a freaking chapter like the first one, so…

The empowerment is the realization that you can use some of the strategies of DBT and tragic optimism, even if you’re not in therapy. (Though, of course, if you are able and in need of professional support, working with a qualified therapist could be the best gift to give to yourself!)

Self-care. You can take care of yourself. Self-care doesn’t have to be bubble baths and indulgences. It can be putting on some music that offers you peace or a release. It can be taking a short walk on a beautiful day. It can be saying no to a request that you have no energy for right now. It can be taking a steaming hot shower.

I think you can add comments to the newsletter within the Substack page. If so, would you share some of your go-to self-care strategies? Or (I’m not sure how this works) try using the “Leave a comment” button, below.

Often, when you’re in the midst of the worst of times, trying to think of ways to take care of yourself can be beyond your capacities. Drawing from lists of ideas that other people have found helpful can be a saving grace.

Mange your stress. Yeah, I know. Give me a break! When you’re in an impossible situation, you are living and breathing stress. But, can you do just one good-for-you stress-reducing thing? Maybe another one, too?

• Get some sleep?

• Eat something nutritious?

• Meditate?

• Get a massage?

• Take a walk?

• Speak some affirmations?

• Call a friend?

• Spend some time outside?

Stress management strategies (click to read APA article)

Photo by madison lavern on Unsplash

Create and/or lean into community. It’s hard to ask, but sometimes the help is there all along and you haven’t been able to see it. When you’re able to take a breath, look around and recognize the hands and ears and shoulders that are available to you. Use them. Silence the damn internal dire-wolves that are telling you you’re a burden or they don’t have time or you’re not worth the trouble or things aren’t that bad.

Give yourself credit. You’re a bad ass. You are a resilient, amazing person who has gotten through things that could have broken you – maybe did break you. But here you are! Tap into your reserves of strength. It demands unimaginable and admirable strength to find, see, or feel compassion, comfort, hope, mercy, or happiness – in even the smallest measures – when you’re in the midst of tragedy. But it’s there. Go in to get through. And be damn proud of yourself for every moment you get through and every glimmer you find.

Those are just a few things you can do when you can’t do what you most want to do. You can’t fix whatever it is. You don’t have a magic wand to make it go away.

But, there’s help. Seek it.

There’s YOU. Take care of yourself as best you can. Feed your self-worth, hope, resilience, glimmers-of-joy wolves every tiny scrap of sustenance you can manage. For as long as it takes.

The wolves are real…but so are you. You’re real and strong and worthy of goodness and joy.

~

Eileen

P.S. Help me feed some good wolves. I’m adding a section to my website: Friday Features: A spot to escape from all the hard stuff.

I won’t be sending out an additional newsletter, but on Fridays I’ll add some good-wolf content directly to the webpage. Visit anytime you need a little pick-me-up.

Send me some content ideas. Links to songs, websites, etc. Maybe some things to remind us there is wonder in the world. Fun stories. Amazing animal tales? Fabulous places in the world? Inspiring people? Fascinating nature? Some great music or art? Uplifting websites? Just some glimmers that might inspire a smile or a wow or spark and satisfy our curiosity.

Drop me a line with some of your favorite things.