Both! Both is Good!
Both! Both is Good!
I knew I’d be using this line from the film, The Road to Eldorado, in a newsletter eventually, and it seems appropriate for this week’s message. You’ll probably see it again at some point, because my family and I have discovered that this phrase from the film (and others from the film!) fits so many occasions!
Cake or ice cream? Both! Both is good.
The park or a movie? Both! Both is good.
Donate to a good cause or save some money? Both! Both is good.
Hang out with friends or chill with a book? Both! Both is good.
So many things aren’t an either-or decision (or shouldn’t be.) The catch can be: which comes first?
Let’s consider goals.
Change your thinking or change your behaviors?
Both! Both is good.
In reality, changing either one will change the other. We often believe that the mindset change must come first. I need to feel motivated to exercise. But, often, it’s the other way around. Exercising – even taking a short, slow, regular walk – will increase your motivation.
It’s often not think, then do. Often, it’s: Do….then you’ll think and feel differently.
As hard as it can feel to change our behaviors, changing our minds is even more difficult!
Two more film lines that echo this point.
Snape trying to teach (force) Harry to learn to keep Voldemort out of his head: “Control your emotions. Discipline your mind.”
And, I recently watched Inception and the helicopter scene came to mind. Don’t think of the [pink] elephant. This refers to a classic psychology experiment:
“Don't think about a pink elephant.
Whatever you do, don't think about a pink elephant. Don't picture a pink elephant in your mind. Just don't do it.
Now, what are you thinking of? If I were to wager, I'd bet you're thinking of a pink elephant.
Does this sound familiar? Do you often think about the things you're trying to avoid? Don't fall. Don't be awkward. Stop worrying. You'd better not miss.
When you tell yourself "not" to do something, your brain just hears the directive. This means you spend lots of time and energy focusing on what you want to avoid, making it more likely you'll do the very thing you don't want to do.”
I won’t eat after dinner. I won’t eat after dinner. I won’t eat after dinner. Well…what do you think you’ll want to do after dinner?
It’s incredibly hard to control our thoughts – maybe even more so when we’re actively trying to control them!
Do any other movies come to your mind that illustrate this common experience?
Many of our go-to motivational phrases highlight this push-pull between controlling our thoughts vs. controlling our actions:
If you believe it, you can achieve it. vs. Fake it till you make it.
Mind over matter. vs. Do or do not. There is no try. (Yoda)
Ingrained thought patterns – particularly negative ones - are incredibly powerful.
Encourage
You can recognize underlying reasons that shifting your thoughts, emotions, and habits are challenging – and, a newsletter theme, here – you can truly accept that they’re not all your “fault” (…blaming yourself is an unhelpful belief that worsens any other dysfunctional one) and any change is not easy. It’s OK that it’s not easy. Difficult is not impossible. You are capable of the work. You are worth the work.
You can be compassionate in the never-ending work of confronting those challenges.
And you can be persistent, so that – eventually - internally saying crappy things about yourself becomes the voice that is dissonant. Eventually, acting in ways that don’t align with your values and goals will become increasingly uncomfortable.
The more you reinforce internal messages of self-respect and capability, and the more you act in ways that provide evidence of those positive beliefs, the more the unhelpful thoughts and emotions and unhealthy behaviors become dissonant.
Educate
Again, we see the relevance of neuropsychology, behavioral psychology, and cognitive psychology lessons.
Neurologically, patterns have been reinforced through decades of creation of neural pathways. Our most common thoughts, emotions, and behavioral habits are our go-to’s. They require no conscious effort on our part.
A lifetime of “failed” New Year’s resolutions has reinforced self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. Every time you’ve yo-yo’d away from beneficial thoughts and behaviors and back to more familiar harmful ones, you’ve given them power through intermittent reinforcement.
And, once again we see the incredible drive to reduce cognitive dissonance.
Because without a genuine internalized belief in your worthiness, every action you take in pursuit of goodness in your life will be in conflict with your negative self-thoughts. The force of cognitive dissonance will constantly draw you back to patterns that align with your most powerful and consistently-reinforced thoughts and behaviors.
Read that again.
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Empower
You CAN take back control by intentionally applying the force of reinforcement principles and by repeating and repeating and repeating preferable thoughts and behaviors to create new neural pathways.
I celebrate my progress, no matter how small it may seem.
Emotions or Behaviors? Both is good. Both are necessary.
Changing either changes the other.
Though it might intuitively make sense that we have to change beliefs first, I’ve been more successful in changing behaviors first.
If I waited until I felt motivated, I’d never get anything done.
If I waited until I believed I was worthy or ready, I’d never start.
It’s not necessarily that the people who are more motivated are the ones who eat right, exercise, or build their professional or social networks. It’s the people who just do those things who feel greater motivation. Discipline drives motivation. (Of course, not only. lol Both is good. Motivation can reinforce discipline, too.)
But, the point is: Don’t wait for the empowered thought or emotion. You can do anything you put your mind to, but you don’t have to wait until your brain is convinced of that.
When I started on a journey of change a few years ago, I knew that both emotions and behaviors needed to be addressed. The emotions were harder. The emotions required massive effort and overhaul. But, the behaviors could be tackled even IF the thoughts and emotions were shouting, Impossible!
The phrase I brought to awareness over and over and over again was: Do it anyway. An adaptation of the Nike call to Just do it. For me, the “anyway” was an important addition. It was a forceful, no-excuses slap back to every “I can’t. I don’t want to. What’s the point?”
Crying? Take a walk anyway.
Feel like the day – and my mood – were complete shit? Write three things in my pride and gratitude journal anyway.
Think I’m not worth the effort? Go to the gym anyway.
Pity party nobody cares? Text or call someone anyway.
Tired and doubt my ability to put any kind of cohesive –much less interesting – thoughts together? Write this damn newsletter anyway!
[Quick note: None of that is in the past tense, really. Started there, but all still here. The work is ongoing – and I expect it always will be. “Do it anyway” has become a permanent addition to my repertoire of mantras – like “Just keep swimming.”]
And, just as discipline (going to the gym, taking a walk, etc.) reinforces motivation, it also reinforces new belief pathways.
Every small change provides evidence.
“Oh, I am someone who follows through on my intentions.”
“Oh, I see; I am someone who can look on the bright side.”
“Oh, yes, there’s some proof: I do invest in myself.”
“Oh, well, I’m putting in the effort, so I must be worth it!”
Self-discipline is self-love.
It takes time. Lots of time and effort. You didn’t develop these patterns overnight. It took years, and it will take concerted attention to create and reinforce new pathways. And, sometimes you’ll succeed and sometimes you won’t, but the continued effort and intermittent self-compassion can become the emotions and behaviors that resist extinction.
Keep reinforcing the self-compassion and confidence. You don’t have to feel or believe it every moment or every day or even every week. But, every time you come back to them and remind yourself (through your thoughts and behaviors) that you can take care of yourself and be kind to yourself and that you’re worth the effort of trying again – no matter how many tries it takes – you more firmly internalize those beliefs.
Through small, consistent, intentional mind-work and behavior change, you will internalize the positive emotions and behaviors so they increasingly become truth and the harmful ones become more dissonant.
Unless and until you make those beneficial thoughts the strongest ones you have, you will always be fighting cognitive dissonance when you treat yourself with kindness and respect.
Change the behaviors – no matter how small - to strengthen the thoughts. Put the power of confirmation bias to work for you, so that you see – and create and reinforce – the truth that you are capable and worthy.
And, you’ll create the “Both is Good” loop. It will actually become more difficult to engage in behaviors that aren’t good for you, because you will know that those don’t align with your sincere awareness that you are wise and good and capable and entitled to happiness and wellness.
Harping on this: With consistent and compassionate effort – even when you don’t feel like it or believe it matters - you can make the most nurturing, empowering, and adaptive thoughts and behaviors the dominant ones, so that the harmful ones become increasingly dissonant. As those negative patterns become more dissonant, you’ll benefit from the unconscious drive to create alignment with the beneficial emotions and habits you’ve been cultivating.
Keep returning to self-compassion - especially if and when you inevitably fall back into patterns you want to change.
Change your thinking or change your behaviors?
Both! Both is good.
~
Eileen
Yes! It’s less important which one we start with - more so that we start somewhere.